The narcissist hates you because you make him feel himself – and human.
Narcissism is breakdown in communication, both internal, among the
constructs (internal objects) owing to dissociation, estrangement and external,
with other people (external objects).
Lack of empathy, no access to emotions, primitive defenses, and
cognitive deficits and biases (grandiosity, Dunning-Kruger, confirmation)
render the narcissist only partly human: the experience of being human is alien
When in an active shared fantasy with an adulating
woman (intimate partner who provides 2 of 3 Ss), I experience maximal
grandiosity backed by unconstrained magical thinking: I feel invincible,
omnipotent, capable of anything and everything, miraculously perfect and
This perfect grandiose state is a regression to an
infantile state under the auspices of a safe base good enough (not dead - Andre Green, depressive, emotionally unavailable) mother. It allows me to separate and individuate and to experience
totally a constellated, functioning self (albeit a false one) or,
in Jungian paralance, successful introversion..
The intimate partner can provide a full experience
of the False Self (in the active shared fantasy) and a direct experience of the
true self (via mortification). This is not real object relations because the
libidinal investment is still in the self (and reflected in the sex:
self-soothing masturbatory auto-eroticism coupled with sadism aimed at
destroying the intruding object omnipotently).
The narcissist gives up on meaningful communication:
he convinces himself that he is too intelligent and idiosyncratic. In an active
shared fantasy, the intimate partner facilitates communication with the False
Self, the only interlocutor acceptable to the narcissist. She also obliquely
provides access to emotional and other modes of non-goal oriented communication
thereby encouraging non-sublimatory libidinal investment and cathexis.